Feeling Unraveled

Marco is in Australia right now for his presentation and site visit.  We’ll know very soon if he’ll be heading off for his 2 years at the University of New South Wales in Sydney.  I am so excited for him and I am certain this is the right thing for us to do.  While I didn’t think it would be difficult to say good bye this time, as he’s back on Wednesday, I was caught off guard – in fact, it took my breath away.  The realization that this was likely really going to happen suddenly hit me and I guess I didn’t feel as strong and confident as I did when I wrote ‘Hummingbird Dreams’.  When I arrived home from the airport I wandered around the house feeling quite literally lost.  While I love cooking I just didn’t feel inspired, so I gnawed on a dried-out piece of chicken I’d picked up at the grocery store on my way home and washed it down with some red wine.  I’m really going to have to get myself together if I hope  to manage for the next 24 months – I’ll either weigh 80 lbs by the end of it, or 280 depending on the direction I take.  I am truly thankful for good friends – had a call from Anne, checking in to see if Marco got away okay, Natasha came by for a visit, then Tim and Vicki stopped by later in the evening for a glass of wine and some good debating about the state of the world (well, really, that was Tim and Marieke). I felt much less alone.  Marco Face-Timed us from the Vancouver airport – we bought matching iPads before he left (I know, too cute – kind of like the modern version of matching sweaters) so that we’d easily be able to stay in touch when he’s away.  I was feeling okay when I went to bed.

I spent the day doing things that we usually do together on a Saturday – shopping, gardening, drinking coffee and reading the paper.  Tonight Marieke cooked dinner when she got home from work, and I cleaned up.  We were both feeling a little anxious.  While we sat on the steps having a glass of wine (this seems to be a theme, honestly it sounds worse than it is – I guess I’ll watch that along with my eating habits 🙂 ), we tried to identify the source of Marieke’s anxiety in particular and in doing so, uncovered the source of mine as well.  Marieke and I love it when Marco goes away for a few days – we leave things on the counter, just slightly out of place, I might not make the bed, we might leave the dishes until morning, we have girls nights –  but we always know he’s coming home and order will be restored.  You see, I’m a bit chaotic.  I’m not naturally an organized person, especially not at home.  In fact, when Marco is away, I sometimes feel like I’m unraveling bit by bit.  It’s hard to explain, but he provides structure to our home and while he can drive us crazy with his desire for order, we rely on it and crave that order.  He’s the one who will notice if something is broken or out of place, he’s the one who reminds us to do things that need to be done around our home.  If we can’t find our keys, he can usually tell us where he saw them last – that does come at a price, but at least we get our keys back.  He’s there when we get home, with a fire started, a glass of wine (oops, there’s that word again), a cup of tea.  He really is our anchor.  What I didn’t realize was how much stress not having that might cause both Marieke and I.  Casimir is living on his own but I know that he finds comfort just knowing that Marco is there, even when he gets so busy with his life that he hasn’t seen him for a couple of weeks.  I think talking about it tonight really helped us to understand one of the ways his absence will be felt.  Of course, I’ll miss my best friend, my partner in almost everything I do.  I’ll miss our social life together with friends, watching movies, going for dinner, cooking together, all those things.  But it goes deeper than that.  He really is our foundation and I’m not sure he knows the extent of that.

Over the next while, something I need to work at, for the sake of Marieke, Casimir and for myself, is to figure out how to create that sense of stability and peace in our home without Marco.  That’s going to be a tough one, but I’m up for the challenge.  I know there will be some bumps along the way but I truly believe that this adventure is still a wonderful opportunity for Marco, and also a chance for me to re-discover myself and tap into all of those strengths I know are there, I just haven’t had to use them for many years.