I had this blog post all planned out. I was going to write about how hard it has been to change gears – to go from a fast-paced work and home life, to some relaxing time here in Australia. I was going to tell you about the difficulties I have with taking time to relax, to be ‘in the moment’ and to enjoy that moment, to separate work and leisure time. My blog would talk about the kids I watched at the beach the other day, how they were so very present and involved in what they were doing, whether it was carting huge armloads of seaweed back to mom’s towel, or doing pirouettes in the sand, or engaging in a full-on tantrum, they were so very present. I wanted to capture what they had. I had it all planned. But this blog is about being honest and telling it like it is at the moment. I have spent lots of time describing the great things about this adventure. This adventure IS filled with great things, but there are also some tough moments and they aren’t just about being apart. They are about finding a new way to be together as well.
As I’ve said, Marco and I haven’t really spent much time apart – while we got married a bit late, had our kids a bit late, once we were together, we were very much together. Not always the perfect couple or the perfect parents, but we never faltered in our commitment to each other or to our kids. Once we made this decision to live apart for two years, I focused on the excitement of the visits and the quality time we would spend together.
This first week together has been good, but I felt a bit unsettled – I think this came from the very high expectations I put on the short time we would have together. With high expectations comes disappointment often. Suddenly I expected every moment that we were together to be great – we would have a blast, our relationship would suddenly be completely new and exciting (hey, maybe I imagined we’d even get younger). Well, we can all see where this is going :). Realistically, we are the same two people we were before. Our relationship hasn’t suddenly turned into somebody else’s relationship since I arrived. We still argue, I’m still messy and Marco is anything but…I’m still chaotic and Marco is linear. We still get on each others nerves – ask the kids, we are so opposite that it’s a bit of a family joke!
Tonight we finally talked about it. Okay, I talked and then Marco responded. That’s how we usually do it. Were we okay? Were we still close? Shouldn’t it be more exciting? The visit is going well, really – we’ve seen lots of very cool things, had some good laughs – I’ve worked, Marco’s worked. It’s been just as it should be. Except for the expectation that it would somehow be different. That was something that was in my mind, I think. The real question is, do we need things to be different? No, I guess we really don’t. They’re okay just as they are, otherwise we wouldn’t be in this together after all these years.
I think that a lot of people wouldn’t do what we’re doing – be apart for two long years, at least not if they were happy in their relationship. Sometimes, I over think this and I wonder if something is wrong with us that we’re able to do this and it’s okay. But as we talked tonight, I realized that we can do this because we ARE okay and there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. Every relationship is different and different doesn’t mean better or worse, it just means different.
Marco and I balance each other through our differences. Science and art, chaos and order, 
introvert and extrovert, instant sleeper and insomniac.Marco found a blog called ‘The Daily Beethoven’ in which Beethoven’s average day is described. He gets up at the same time, counts out 60 coffee beans exactly, makes coffee every morning. He follows the same structured schedule each day followed by a quiet evening reading and listening to music, maybe smoking his pipe. That’s Beethoven – Marco is willing to experiment with a bit more variation, but really he thought the bean counting was accurate. And the pipe…and music…okay, there may be more similarities than I’d first thought. I, on the other hand, am a ball of chaotic movement – I get up, rush around, eat whatever I feel like, including leftovers for breakfast, sometimes leaving a trail of clothes behind me…I hurry to work where I enjoy doing 6 things at once, sometimes forgetting about lunch, sometimes being a bit too dramatic. Then I rush home (I always rush places) and cause more chaos at home before heading off to do something else. I don’t sleep much and I roam around the house at all hours.
We balance each other. We respect our differences (except when we fight about them), we still have a lot in common – we value our good friends, gardening, nature, cooking, traveling and of course, our kids. Our politics and our values are similar. We’ll always have some degree of conflict in our relationship because that’s who we are. And just because the location and the furniture changed, it doesn’t mean we have to. That’s not to say we shouldn’t always try to make improvements. There’s always room for that.
So, now that I’ve sorted this all in my head, I’ll get back to that personal goal of figuring out how to live a bit more in the moment and to find more balance. I might find out that’s just not for me, but it’s always good to try new things.
cindy rublee - living without beethoven 