I’m living in a bad 60’s Sci-fi movie! Day 600 of living without beethoven.

600

It’s Day 600 of living without Marco.  Well, technically Marco was home for a short visit at Christmas and I’ve been to Australia now 5 times, but actually Day 600 of our journey. I haven’t posted for some time, I don’t believe I even mentioned our brief trip to Tasmania (although those of you who are Facebook friends, may have noticed my obsession with the Tasmanian Devil).

Well, about a week ago, my house became much emptier.  Last week Marieke moved on to Montreal to do her Masters in Art History and the house just became very very quiet.  The cats and I.  Phew,  am I that woman?  A cat lady by default?  Well, they are lovely, and great company, but I won’t be having 28 of them, so I think I’m okay. But,  IS the house really quiet?  Do I feel very very alone??  Do I yearn for the sound of the human voice???  NO I DO NOT!  Why?? Because of my freaking iPad, that’s why!

So, just an aside – do you remember the Spartans and their 300 men battling the Persians (480-479 BC)?  The Greek force was very small but determined (Marco and I) to make a stand against the huge Persian army (Harper). Imagine a fight so hard there were actually 600 Spartans needed to win, not just 300!  Well, we’ve been battling this separation  just like that!  But the evil is so great (King Darius=Steven Harper) that we needed 600 days to conquer it!! How did we conquer this separation?  We called in the help of the infamous warriors, the iPads!  Okay, I know this analogy is a bit of a stretch,  but Marco was very excited to have it included in my blog.  600 days is a big deal and, in his mind, he imagined us battling evil, while all the while, we’ve actually been having a bit of fun.

20170828_211219

So, how are things after 600 days with the help of our iPads? A typical evening at home – iPad buzzes.

Marco:  Hey, I sent you that info on Tasmania that (garble…poor connection…waiting…waiting)

Me:  I can’t hear you.  Bad connection. Oh, I was going to tell you….(Marco interrupts)

Marco: How are the cats?

Me: Why did you interrupt me?  I was just in the middle of telling you something.

Marco:  I can’t hear you.  You’re frozen.  I’ll call you later.

Phone rings…it’s Mom.

Mom:  I tried to Facetime you but you didn’t answer.

Me:  I was talking to Marco.

Mom:  How are the cats?  Is that Paulus purring?  Put the receiver closer.

Me:  (iPad buzzes) Oh,  that’s Marco trying to Facetime me, Mom – I’ll call you back.  Hi Marco.

Marco:  Hi.  That’s better.  How’s Paulus?  Can I hear him purring?

Me:  Yes, that’s him.  What are you having for supper?

Marco: I’m making a salad with an entire cup of tahini dressing on it.  Looks good, hey?  Can I call you later?  Casimir just texted and said he was going to try to FaceTime me.

Me:  Okay,  talk to you later.  (iPad buzzes)  Hi Marieke, how’s Montreal?

…and so it goes, thanks to our friends the iPads. With cutting edge technology, we’ve managed to make it to Day 600!  We’ve stared at the great divide, Mr. Harper, and we didn’t back down…in the words of Sara Mclachlan (Marco wanted this included in this post somehow, a favorite of his – we know that this song is about something completely unrelated, but there are a few words that fit nicely)…

“Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide – voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time – the night is my companion, and solitude my guide.”

Possession – Sara McLachlan

So, I have a love/hate relationship with the very thing that kept me sane over this past two years. Isn’t that typical?  To fall in love with your captor? Don’t get me wrong,  it’s better than writing a letter and waiting 3 weeks for a response.  It’s wonderful to talk to a face and not just a voice over the phone.  It does, however, have its challenges.  Delays,  staring at the ceilings of our loved ones while they cook dinner…misunderstandings because it’s not always easy to read someone over a video that is sometimes patchy…interrupting each other due to a delay in audio…watching your partner’s frozen face, typically we freeze when we either have our mouths wide open, or a grimace, or with a tilted head so the person on the other end can see five frozen minutes of the inside of our giant nostrils.  It is a test – of that I’m certain.

20170703_135206
Are you listening to me?? Look at me! – Unzoo, Tasmania

We’ve managed it all pretty well.  Sometimes we just email for a bit because it seems easier to make ourselves understood, it’s a chance to be thoughtful.  But having said all of that, I am DONE.  This has been a great adventure,  we still have our very exciting trip to New Zealand to look forward to in October and I am sad to see my visits to Australia coming to a close.  Two years will have been long enough to live apart most of the time and then intensely close in a tiny apartment for 3 week periods.  I think we’ve done it beautifully, to be honest and although I can’t speak for Marco, I think he’d say the same.  We made the right decision and it’s been a great adventure.

The biggest irritation right now would have to be talking on this freaking piece of technology every day, to the majority of my family (thank you Casimir for being in the city and not a big fan of communication by technology).  Well, glad I got that off my chest.  Have to run.  Going to Facetime Marco!  Oh, and then maybe I’ll check in with Marieke…oh, I hear my Mom calling – she must want to talk to the cats.

Next post…who knows?  Maybe I’ll fill you in on my fascination with the reproductive habits of the Tasmanian Devil…By the way,  this post was written with some suggestions from my partner in crime…across the great divide, but by email this time.

20170703_134136
Tasmanian Devil viewed behind a glass bubble in the rain – Unzoo, Tasmania.

 

 

 

Not a travel blog…

It’s been 5 months since my last blog (sounds like a confession…) and I’m trying to understand why that is.  When I started this ‘living without beethoven’ journey, now almost 16 months ago, I planned to diligently blog at least every couple of weeks.  I was going to delve into the complexities of living in a relationship but apart for an extended period of time.  I did just that, for the first couple of blogs but then there were rumblings that maybe some things were a bit personal, or wasn’t this going to be more of a travel diary?  They weren’t serious rumblings or criticisms, just friends or family posing curious questions.  Fair enough.  But as a first time blogger, I felt increasingly insecure and worried about what others thought of my thoughts.  How many people liked my blog on Facebook?  Did anyone share it?  Who commented?  Suddenly my blogging became a chore – this wasn’t because someone had asked a baby cassoquestion, it was because of my own insecurities and my need for approval.

During this time I also discovered watercolour.  As you know from previous blogs, I have studied some art, and I always loved to draw.  Arthritis in my hands made drawing painful, but watercolour was the perfect medium for me and it changed my world.  I found peace in painting…but then I started to share.  Suddenly, I was painting to please.  Once again, I tapped into those insecurities and spoiled my own moment, creating blocks for myself – nothing that anyone did or said, caused this. I did it all myself thanks to my years of experience.  Through an online group called ‘The World Watercolor Group’ I did find a supportive and safe environment in which to experiment and grow.  It also gave me some time to reflect on why I continually obstruct my own path.

For Marco and I, this past 16 months have given us an opportunity that we’ll cherish forever. It’s given us each the distance to be able to really see what’s important.  We were forced to stop long enough to take a good look at what we have and at who we are. I shouldn’t speak for him, but I’m pretty confident he would agree with me.  I have been learning things that I have forever said to our own children (not very convincingly, I’m afraid, as I know they both likely saw through me) – it doesn’t matter what others think, believe in yourself, be confident in your abilities.  Life is short, do what you love…and on and on…it’s not about the money. Be passionate, be compassionate. I’ve always believed what I told them, I just never managed to put those ideals into practice.

Last week I turned 58.  Wow.  I looked up, suddenly my kids were successful and beautiful adult human beings. How did we get here?  Why can’t I remember every

precious moment?  I swear there are major gaps and not only during those teen years when I had my eyes closed.  Time is the only unknown, really.  How much time do I have?  It could be up five minutes from now, I could have 40 years.  The great unknown.  The equalizer.  We spend our lives wanting things to hurry up and be here, then we want things to slow down.  Most of us, if we add up the minutes, are almost never content, never in the moment.  Always wanting to backwards go or forwards.  That’s the most difficult thing for me NOT to do.  I realize it’s a very ‘in’ topic now, and there are a zillion podcasts, books and retreats that say they can help me, but I’m not convinced.  I need to just do it.   Stop worrying about what I said yesterday, what I did yesterday…stop worrying about the ‘what ifs’ of tomorrow.  I went back and read my very first blog called ‘Hummingbird Dreams’ and I heard myself struggling with the same questions when I started this journey.

Marco and I talk about time quite often.  It’s a fascinating topic, really.  The one thing we know is it’s moving fast and we need to do everything we can, to savor it.  To slow down and just be. Yes, we’re excited about Marco living at home again, 8 months from now.  But we also don’t want it to go too fast, because that’s just time lost – it’s not retrievable.  It’s just gone.  While we don’t know how much we have, we do know that it is finite.

emuIn the words of Dr. Seuss…“How did it get so late so soon?”

Since my last blog,  life has continued to happen.  Casimir got engaged to Larissa at the base of Mount Doom in New Zealand – he’s heading off to play music with various bands around the country;  Marieke is heading to Australia for a month before going off to do her Masters in Art History armed with some very nice scholarships and funding opportunities (location to be formally announced soon).  I went back to Australia with a good friend, Natasha, in February and had an absolutely wonderful visit – I’m heading back again at the end of June.  Our plans are to visit Tasmania for a few days in July, then in October we’ll have a final trip to New Zealand before Marco comes home for Christmas and who knows after that?  Til next time.

Quieting the Mind – lessons from nature

CassowaryWhen I wrote my blog last week, I was, as I often am, struggling with what I call ‘ the noise in my head’.  I’ve often described the inside of my mind as a ‘quidditch’ match.  Thoughts tearing around like a tasmanian devil up there.  I enjoy my active mind, but sometimes I just wish it would be a calm and restful place. Especially while I’m on vacation. How was I to achieve that?  Well, I know there are dozens of books about ‘quieting the mind’, but it has to come from within and there are no books that can help with that part of it.  I’ve tried mediation, tai chi, reading calming books – they all help a bit, but for a very short time.

When I was a Fine Arts student I started to do life drawing, and years later, I still loved to draw. When I drew I was a frantic and excited ‘artist’ – my conte was always in tiny pieceSulphur Crested Cockatoos, my pencils always needed sharpening, my charcoal usually snapped.  I loved it!  In those moments or hours, I was oblivious to what was going on around me.  My cheeks would get flushed, my heart would race…my drawings were often big and there were no delicate pencil lines. The past few years I have done very little art, and when I do, it’s just not the same.  I have arthritis in my hands, so they cramp up (especially with my tight grip on whatever I’m using to draw).  Drawing is also not something that I enjoy as much when I do it alone – I have always loved life drawing, in a room filled with the energy of other artists. I’ve struggled to find something that can match that experience.

Australian Exotic PigeonWhile in Australia, I decided to try watercolour.  This is a medium I have used only once or twice in a class (many years ago), but I have always been drawn to the colours – the way they meld together, the layers…the immediacy of it.  After observing many birds here, I was drawn to their tremendous colours, some stunning in their brightness and others so gorgeous and muted.  I picked up some basic supplies, watched a couple of YouTube videos 🙂 and here are my very first efforts. I set a goal for myself, that I would spend no more than a couple of hours per painting (I have a tendency to overwork things) and at the end of the week I would some aussie chickshare my learning and discovering on my blog.  The most important thing I discovered in this process was that for the first time in as long as I can remember, while it’s nice when someone likes what you create, I don’t care in the same way about these paintings – if I love the colours, or see something in the painting that I am excited by, that’s enough for me.  When I’m experimenting with this new medium, my mind is empty of anything but what I am doing in the moment.  My mind is quiet…

I’ve had a fantastic week – I can’t wait to wake up and paint something for a couple of hours. It’s different from the frantic drawing that I also so enjoy but can’t do as often anymore.  With my newly acquired ‘quieter’ mind (no, it’s not always quiet, just when I’m painting and for a shkookaburra 2ort while after – it’s kind of like advil, it does wear off), I’m off for a walk to the beach, or to a cafe to read a book.  It’s a wonderful feeling.  While I am dreading heading back to Winnipeg without Marco (the flight is exhausting, but it also means another goodbye), I plan to take a class this fall and continue painting.  My hands are not bothered by this lighter medium, I feel I could do it for hours at a time.

So, my next blog will be from Winnipeg.  I might share some more of my new discoveries.  Who knows?

 

Wishing you a content and quiet mind….if that’s what you’re looking for.

Cindy

Photos from top downCassowary – one of the most dangerous birds in the world – only found in Australia;  a cartoonish-version of the Sulphur-Crested Cockatoo, one of the noisy and most horrible sounding birds here, but very funny;  a very young exotic Australian Pigeon, we’re not sure which one, but specific to Australia; Some bird I saw but we don’t know what it is; and finally, Marco’s favorite, the Kookaburra.

 

back to beethoven

It’s been three months since my last blog (wow, sounds like a confession!).  I’m not exactly sure why I stopped blogging, I just couldn’t seem to find the energy to write.  Also, I lost sight of what I was really blogging about.  Was it simply a travel blog?  That’s not what I intended when I started, yet I think that’s what some people thought it was meant to be.  It was perhaps confusing, then, when I wrote about my relationship with Marco, or my desire to recapture my independence.  I’ve decided that this blog is about many things and the most important thing for me, is to write for myself. I am, and always have been, a ‘people pleaser’ I think.  We can live our lives seeking approval from others or we can strive to be honest and true to ourselves – if I’m lucky, I may please a few people along the way, including myself. My plan is to blog every couple of weeks about whatever seems relevant in the moment!

IMG_1584I’m now back in Sydney for my second visit.  This visit was easier than the first in some ways as I knew what to expect, where to find things, and we had some exciting travel plans.  It has been different, though – it’s winter here and I arrived with a serious case of influenza, which I quickly shared with my partner in crime.  With the exception of a couple short outings, we spend the first four days in bed (no, not the honeymoon kind) – high fevers, aching joints, sore throats, hacking coughs…confined to the 350 square foot apartment with no heat.  At 6C in the night, we were armed with hot water bottles, medicine and extra blankets.  It was a true endurance test!!  The first two days, I was the sicker, so Marco was the caregiver.  The second two days, Marco was sicker, so I became the caregiver.  Then we were just fed up and neither of us really felt up to doing much care-giving.  IMG_1563

So, while I did say I am not just writing a travel blog, sometimes it will seem like one, at least when I’m visiting.

We did manage a train into the Blue Mountains, to a small town called Leura – two hours sleeping on the train there,  a quick hop out for lunch, then two hours sleeping on the way home.  This was all because Marco had heard there was SNOW there.  Well, yes, I suppose there was, the day before.  When we arrived, there was a dusting along the train tracks.  Nothing more.  We tried to laugh, but it just made us cough.

Finally, we were feeling a bit better and it was time for my dream trip.  I’ve been excited about this mini-vacation for months.  We were flying to Cairns (3 1/2 hrs from Sydney), then taking a shuttle to a place called Oak Beach, near Port Douglas (1 hr from Cairns), where we would spend four heavenly days at the Thala Beach Nature Reserve, traveling to the Great Barrier Reef and to the Daintree Rainforest during the day.  While we still weren’t pictures of health, we were thrilled to be going.  This trip had taken some planning and I was worried right until our plane landed, that something would happen and we wouldn’t get there.  That’s not really like me, but I haven’t been this excited about something for as long as I can remember.  The place is spectacular – honestly, I can’t say enough about it.  The staff were outstanding, the facility itself was remarkable.  I don’t have enough adjectives to describe it adequately.  Here are some photos that might give you a sense of the sheer beauty of the place. There are individual cabins, nestled in the rainforest and it is so, so quiet.

While it was a privilege to visit the Great Barrier Reef, our second trip to the Daintree Rainforest, far exceeded our expectations.  The Daintree Rainforest is the oldest continuous rainforest in the world and a world heritage site.  It is it’s own habitat, not related to other rainforests in existence.  There are plants and wildlife that will not be seen anywhere else in the world.  There are a few hundred people who try to live around the area of Cape Tribulation, however, there are always lots for sale – the dream of living deep into the rainforest is not an easy one.  Power must be generated through one’s own ingenuity – water or wind, often not successful.  It’s almost impossible to get clothes dry after washing them, things are always damp – continuous problems with mold, spiders, snakes – they said that every third home has a python in it somewhere.  Not for the faint-hearted and definitely not for me.  Beauty, though…of that there is an abundance.  We saw IMG_1728crocodiles and snakes as we floated down the Daintree River.  We learned that crocodiles only eat stupid people, a sort of natural selection.  In fact, two weeks before we went, there was a terrible tragedy involving two women – after too much drinking in celebration of one woman’s triumphant fight against cancer, and after many warnings, the women ran into the ocean (near the Daintree delta) at night in an area that is notorious for crocodiles.  One of the women lasted a few seconds before being taken by a crocodile, the other is still in hospital suffering from shock.  The saddest part is that they then shoot the crocodile if they can find it, in it’s own habitat.

During our stay at the nature reserve, we encountered wallabies, birds, lizards and spiders.  We were first greeted by a huge lizard (by my standards) who waddled down along the path to our cabin – I tried to pass him, but he wasn’t impressed and hissed at me with his incredibly long tongue.  Later that evening, we saw two spiders, one was the golden orb spider who had chowed down a tiny bird that had been caught in his web.  A short while later, I was sitting on a wicker couch and after I got up, Marco started to laugh and called me back.  A fat furry spider was climbing out from under my cushion, exactly where I’d been sitting!  It turns out it was likely an Australian tarantula who lives at the base of a tree by the restaurant. While they do bite and can make you sick, their bites aren’t fatal.

We said goodbye to the beautiful Thala Beach, and to our new friend ‘Apple’, a wallaby that hangs out sometimes in the lobby of the hotel.  Apple was apparently attacked by a snake, and has since become a friend of the hotel staff – she pops by for sweet potatoes and some attention most days.

Well, that’s all for now.  I have some time left here before I head back to Canada – I bought some watercolours and brushes.  I’m trying my hand at some Australian birds.  Maybe I’ll have something to show you in my next blog.