Not a travel blog…

It’s been 5 months since my last blog (sounds like a confession…) and I’m trying to understand why that is.  When I started this ‘living without beethoven’ journey, now almost 16 months ago, I planned to diligently blog at least every couple of weeks.  I was going to delve into the complexities of living in a relationship but apart for an extended period of time.  I did just that, for the first couple of blogs but then there were rumblings that maybe some things were a bit personal, or wasn’t this going to be more of a travel diary?  They weren’t serious rumblings or criticisms, just friends or family posing curious questions.  Fair enough.  But as a first time blogger, I felt increasingly insecure and worried about what others thought of my thoughts.  How many people liked my blog on Facebook?  Did anyone share it?  Who commented?  Suddenly my blogging became a chore – this wasn’t because someone had asked a question, it was because of my own insecurities and my need for approval.

During this time I also discovered watercolour.  As you know from previous blogs, I have studied some art, and I always loved to draw.  Arthritis in my hands made drawing painful, but watercolour was the perfect medium for me and it changed my world.  I found peace in painting…but then I started to share.  Suddenly, I was painting to please.  Once again, I tapped into those insecurities and spoiled my own moment, creating blocks for myself – nothing that anyone did or said, caused this. I did it all myself thanks to my years of experience.  Through an online group called ‘The World Watercolor Group’ I did find a supportive and safe environment in which to experiment and grow.  It also gave me some time to reflect on why I continually obstruct my own path.

For Marco and I, this past 16 months have given us an opportunity that we’ll cherish forever. It’s given us each the distance to be able to really see what’s important.  We were forced to stop long enough to take a good look at what we have and at who we are. I shouldn’t speak for him, but I’m pretty confident he would agree with me.  I have been learning things that I have forever said to our own children (not very convincingly, I’m afraid, as I know they both likely saw through me) – it doesn’t matter what others think, believe in yourself, be confident in your abilities.  Life is short, do what you love…and on and on…it’s not about the money. Be passionate, be compassionate. I’ve always believed what I told them, I just never managed to put those ideals into practice.

Last week I turned 58.  Wow.  I looked up, suddenly my kids were successful and beautiful adult human beings. How did we get here?  Why can’t I remember every

precious moment?  I swear there are major gaps and not only during those teen years when I had my eyes closed.  Time is the only unknown, really.  How much time do I have?  It could be up five minutes from now, I could have 40 years.  The great unknown.  The equalizer.  We spend our lives wanting things to hurry up and be here, then we want things to slow down.  Most of us, if we add up the minutes, are almost never content, never in the moment.  Always wanting to backwards go or forwards.  That’s the most difficult thing for me NOT to do.  I realize it’s a very ‘in’ topic now, and there are a zillion podcasts, books and retreats that say they can help me, but I’m not convinced.  I need to just do it.   Stop worrying about what I said yesterday, what I did yesterday…stop worrying about the ‘what ifs’ of tomorrow.  I went back and read my very first blog called ‘Hummingbird Dreams’ and I heard myself struggling with the same questions when I started this journey.

Marco and I talk about time quite often.  It’s a fascinating topic, really.  The one thing we know is it’s moving fast and we need to do everything we can, to savor it.  To slow down and just be. Yes, we’re excited about Marco living at home again, 8 months from now.  But we also don’t want it to go too fast, because that’s just time lost – it’s not retrievable.  It’s just gone.  While we don’t know how much we have, we do know that it is finite.

In the words of Dr. Seuss…“How did it get so late so soon?”

Since my last blog,  life has continued to happen.  Casimir got engaged to Larissa at the base of Mount Doom in New Zealand – he’s heading off to play music with various bands around the country;  Marieke is heading to Australia for a month before going off to do her Masters in Art History armed with some very nice scholarships and funding opportunities (location to be formally announced soon).  I went back to Australia with a good friend, Natasha, in February and had an absolutely wonderful visit – I’m heading back again at the end of June.  Our plans are to visit Tasmania for a few days in July, then in October we’ll have a final trip to New Zealand before Marco comes home for Christmas and who knows after that?  Til next time.